New Normal [[States]]

   There have been many different times over the past two months that I have wanted to sit down and write, write my heart, what God’s revealing to me, what’s next but I haven’t been able to. If I write about the revelations God gave me in Thailand I just want to cry, and if I write about what God is teaching me here at home I just want to cry because it means I’m moving on when my heart so desperately wants to hold onto the memories of speaking life into women forced into prostitution in Guatemala in Thailand and the orphans I held, kissed, rocked, and loved.

   I can’t fully explain to you this feeling of having half of your heart here and half on the missions field.  Every time I serve on the west side of buffalo and I see different cultures, I just want to weep.  When I sit in class and learn more about exceptional education my professors don’t know that in my mind I’m replaying every moment I got to hold julito’s hand or toss a ball back and forth for hours with him, and that’s not normal. When I listen to my professor teach about the injustices of the past, she doesn’t know that I’m praying ferverently in my mind for C-, I-, B-, and each woman I have spent hours in bars with crying, laughing, and speaking life into. And when I still [yes, still] accidently throw my toilet paper in the garbage I am reminded that I was not created to just be here in America, to just live the “American dream” and die living for myself.  It’s okay that “normal” isn’t normal to me anymore.

I’m so grateful that my heavenly papa is so faithful to me. He’s faithful to the promises that He gives me. He’s faithful to my often wandering heart. He’s faithful to keep using me despite me. And as I sit here, patiently waiting for what’s next I take heart and know that He has a plan that is so much bigger than me.

“I am letting go of the ordinary in order to obtain a greater prize.”  That’s the new normal.