Simple Truths in Spain.

This week I traded in temples, chaotic Phnom Penh streets, and rice for cathedrals, a view of the Med Sea, and rest in Spain. I was ready for a break from my busy life in Cambodia, and to have some sweet time with friends, family, and mentors. It's been so amazing to get a different perspective of my life in Cambodia, and to feel like I'm breathing some fresh air above the clouds. The past month in Cambodia was one of my hardest, and I felt like I needed to get out and above the clouds literally on a plane, and emotionally/spiritually as well. In the past few days of travel and time here I've realized a couple things, or more so have been reminded of some simple beautiful truths by God.

God has given me beautiful family all over the world.
As I sat on the plane about to take-off from Phnom Penh, tears started to flow. I thought about all the things I would miss in the next 6 weeks with my Khmer family in the village, my Khmer teachers and staff, and good friends and I could't help but cry. It's always been hard to leave my New York home but this was the first time I deeply felt the effects of leaving my Cambodia home. I'm so grateful that God has given me people that care and feel like family all over the world that I have to miss. I was also welcomed by great people in Spain, that are my tribe and family as well. It's a weird feeling going from home to home, but I guess thats what my life will always be when I find my home in the people I care about around the world.

Life is still all about a love affair, with God and with others.
It's always been about relationship and loving others while being loved by God. I realize that more and more everyday. Whether I'm in Cambodia, Spain, or New York its all same- love God and love people fiercely. I was welcomed into community in Spain, sat in on classes and was reminded again that a love affair has always been and will always be God's point for this earth. When I was flying into Spain, my last flight was from Italy and I sat next to this petit European girl. When you travel you never know who your sitting next to, where they are from, or where they really are at in life. I began to talk to her, let her in to my life and she felt safe enough to tell me all about her life as an immigrant in America, and how although she is going to a prestigious school now in NYC and her family is successful she has never had any friends. She just needed a friend. That's it, plain and simple. She didn't need me to preach the gospel to her, she just simply needed a friend to hear her and care for her. That's exactly what I did, and I know she felt Christ's love in those moments.

God really knows every fiber of our being, what we need, and then gives us abundantly more than we thought we needed. 
In the past couple weeks, I have felt so loved by God. He knows my every need and what I need in these moments to rest. I knew I wanted some rest in Spain, but he gave me so much more than that being here, and is continuing to give me great things as I fly out of Spain as well. Even when you don't know what you need right now, He does and He will meet those needs if you let Him. He is a good Father all the time and loves to give us good gifts.

We are always in process, and will always be in process. 
I came to Spain with the expectations of processing my whole last year in Cambodia in 2 weeks, and then prance off to New York. Well I was completely wrong in my thinking, and I now know to give yourself space and grace to be okay with always being in process. There are many things in the past year that I never got a second of time to let my mind and heart catch up with what I was seeing and doing- but that's okay. I'm learning to let my emotions enter into my daily functioning heart, but with a fast paced busy ministry life it's not always easy to do. But there is grace, oh so much grace that God gives me and will continue to give me as I stay in process.

My time in Spain has been so good and full of great friends and community, good food and wine, life being spoken into me, and sweet sweet rest with my Father God. I hop on a plane today to once again trade in my view of cathedrals, cobblestone streets and mountains for my New York home filled with loving faces, cheerio smell filled air, and beautiful parks and grass- expectant to see more of Christ in Buffalo, encourage the church with what God is doing in Cambodia, and have sweet sweet time with my family and close friends. Peace out beautiful Spain, you have been so good to me! 

Finding a home for Lucky

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

On Saturday, I packed a few things in a backpack, put on some sunglasses, hopped on my motto and set off for some time with my khmer family in the Kampong Speu province. I had no idea what I was about to step into, and that He had great responsibility of the kingdom waiting for me there. Waiting for Christ in me, the hope of glory to show up.

I stepped foot on the dirt in my Khmer home, and rested for barely seconds it felt like before my Khmer brother came to me, and told me I needed to follow him with a look of worry on his face. He had heard that there was a 2 month old baby with AIDs in the village that had been abandoned, and wasn't being fed. We ran down the dirt path, and came to a small wooden shack with a single hammock was strung up and the sweetest baby boy crying in it. I picked him up, held him close and saw the biggest smile spread across his face, as the tears stopped. We later found out later that as soon as the hospital marked on his paperwork that he was HIV positive after being born, his family brought him back home, left and never came back. For his first month of life, he was passed around the village- with random village members feeding him and them passing him onto the next. He eventually ended up at his grandmothers house- who immediately had someone scribble on a worn piece of paper that she didn't want the baby, got it signed by the village chief, and was ready to abandon him a second time before we showed up.

God's timing is perfect, and when I spoke with the grandmother she told me how she was sick herself and couldn't take him either- that she was sorry, and then handed him to me.  I asked her what his name was and she didn't know. At this point a good portion of the village had surrounded us, and one of the older woman in the crowd said we named him Somnang which means lucky because we new something good was coming for him.

I met with the village chief, who signed the papers and left me the responsibility of taking the baby away, and find him a home. I immediately started making phone calls, searching for a home for this precious baby. I knew God had a specific plan for him- and that there was hope even in abandonment. After many calls and rejections, I finally decided to go back to the city and search more myself and research all I could online. Before going home, I stopped at the Catholic Church I have been going to and finding peace in. And The Lord knew I needed peace at this point. We sang all together "When I am in trouble, be with me Lord." Something so simple, but so profound when chaos seems to be surrounding- and I found peace. Shortly after that, I got a lead on a christian orphanage near the village- made a phone call and without a second thought they immediately said yes, we will take the baby. A day was later I was touring the orphanage with a friend, and feeling that same peace from the night prior in church. It was his home, and I knew that then.

Yesterday, I was so honored to be able to pray with the village surrounding me over baby lucky- and tell them how God has always had a plan for him even when his family was abandoning him. We drove away and I just looked into his eyes as he smiled and I smiled right back with so much peace and joy filling me. He fell asleep in my arms on the way there, and I think he knew that my arms were just the start of a home he is going to know he has in Christ. Somnang will know that he is not abandoned- but he is a son of the King of Kings, and will share in his inheritance of the Kingdom of God one day. I am so thankful that God put me in the right place at the right time, and said here take this responsibility and bring hope to this village again. Somnang is safely in his new home now, had his first check up- and is surrounded by so much love! He will grow in a a small community with other children who have AIDs, have the best education, and will have the opportunity to go to university. God could not have shown me a more perfect home for this loved baby boy!

The Discipline of Faith

"THEREFORE LIFT YOUR DROOPING HANDS AND STRENGTHEN YOUR FEEBLE KNEES, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather healed." Hebrews 12:12-13

AKA: Hands up, walk straight forward, into the unknown praising me.

I don't know about you, but walking a straight path is pretty difficult for me sometimes.  I feel like God has been speaking that He has me on the straight path but I keep running off the path into the surrounding forests when I think I see something up ahead that looks scary or unfamiliar. I always find my way back to the straight path, but I like detours way too much lately in the deeper places of faith He is taking me. So God's put up the railings along the road so to speak, and He's been training me how to walk forward, with my hands held high no matter what I think is in the road up ahead.

Perception seems to be something that has really encouraged my detours as well. A friend was visiting Cambodia this week, and they looked out over the city off our balcony, and said " If it looked this way back home I'd presume a storm was coming, but it's not here is it?" Our perception of even what a storm looks like up ahead, could keep us from walking that path. But the perception of what we see as a storm up ahead, isn't necessarily so.  I'm not saying that I would avoid a storm if God chose to put it in my path right now, but if I'm honest I'd be more apt to take the trail off of the road, and into the forest off of the path to take refuge for a bit. The forest isn't necessarily a bad place either, but you can't run and I find myself seeking refuge before I can even clearly see what was actually in the road that made me detour in the first place.

The truth is I have no idea what is in the path up ahead, but I know I can run the path marked out for me if I keep detouring in the forest. I was on a little getaway with some friends this past week to Angkor Watt, a beautiful old civilization of temple ruins- some of the oldest in the world. I fell in love with zipping my motto through the forests along the path exploring new temple ruins. But there were many little paths off of the main road that ran into the forest, that I really wanted to just take a quick turn down. But I knew If I did that I wouldn't be able to drive well through them and might get lost in the process. We were created for the straight path. It's okay to get correction sometimes, its a mark of being a daughter or son of the most high King- but there is a time where we need to learn to navigate that straight path with God, into the unknown with hands raised high. To walk into greater depths of faith and obedience to God.
I don't care if it's family issues, or fear of rejection up ahead. I don't care if it's a storm, or sunny skies. Walk, take a stride or two and praise the One who is worthy. 

Christmas Cookies and Jet Lag

It's 4 a.m. and I'm wide awake eating Christmas cookies in the light of the dimly lit Christmas tree. I'm sitting here jet lagged and thankful. Oh so thankful. I've been thinking about this season of advent, and how I'm experiencing Jesus in a whole new way this Christmas. Christmas comes this time every year, and I know the reason why we celebrate so what's so different this year?

I've been reading through different blogs and  a devotional on advent and taking time each day to just read and meditate on what these days leading up to The Messiahs birth meant and still means today. I want to share a piece that really grabbed my heart this morning and helped me process why I feel even nearer to Gods heart these days.

"Someone told me this advent feels more like a lent- a grieving.
How in the world does a weary world rejoice?
We may not know why God doesn't stop all the different suffering-- but we definitely know it's not because he's indifferent. God is so moved by our being entangled in suffering that He moved himself into our world and entangled himself in the suffering with us. God with us.
Christmas is the end of division. Christmas is the beginning of the end of all suffering. Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
This is what His glory does- like a river, His glory in the highest runs down to meet us who are at our lowest, those left out in the field who have lost our flock, lost our way, lost our hope. His glory in the highest always runs down to meets us at our lowest. This is what lets us sing like the angels did. "

There is such exquisite beauty in knowing that my comforter and Messiah has been born- the beginning of the end of all suffering. The beginning of the end of all suffering my students, and teachers have to endure in Cambodia and the suffering I've endured in my life too. In being enveloped and entangled in suffering of some of the most beautiful people I have ever known in Cambodia, I've really been entangled with Jesus' heart. This is exactly why He came to earth- to suffer for the suffering. I understand better than any time in my life why that little precious baby in a manger meant so much because I'm communing so closely with the broken, hurting, and suffering. It
makes every difficult moment in the past 4 months living in Cambodia worth it to know that I'm closer to my Fathers heart, and entangled in suffering with my Messiah.

I don't know where you are at in your life on the other side of this screen, but know that if you are suffering or are communing with the suffering this advent season Emmanuel--  God with us is coming and is near. 
"Comfort, comfort my people says your God" 

They don't need your pity, and they sure don't need mine.

A couple weeks ago I hung up a FaceTime call with a good friend from back home, very frustrated. It wasn't her fault for not understanding what I tried to describe as my life now here in Cambodia. I described my day to day, and what I really am doing in Svay Pak on a daily basis and her voice changed to one of pity as she said "it just sounds so sad the way your living and what your doing." Those words felt like a punch to the gut.

As I was letting my frustration rise with someone I loved feeling pity for living my life the way I am here, I heard God's whisper speak don't pity my people here in Cambodia either. Some days I can get caught up in the whirlwind of an abuse case at the school and without realizing it place pity on those kids and their families. But the truth of it is that my student going home everyday to abuse and poverty is really a daughter of the king- one whom is fully loved and accepted by her Father God. A daughter that God is very intentional with in his pursuit after her and purpose for her life. Her present suffering does not define who she is, or what God wants to do with her life. That's the truth of the matter.

In Cambodia the winding roads that lead back to my students houses consist of some big wide national roads that are crazy and filled with whirling people, mottos, food carts, brick trucks, honking cars, and you name it-it's on the road. But off of the large road are these tiny narrow pathways, ones that look like a small alleyway that would lead nowhere. But if you turn onto one of those narrow pathways you will find hidden villages filled with life and joyful smiling people living with little to nothing often times in shacks, and it's beautiful. And truthfully they don't need your pity, and they sure don't need mine.

I remember hearing the verse that says "enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is narrow that leads to life, and those who find it are few." and was taught and scared into thinking that it was a small chance that I would be one of the few that that found that narrow path, and I felt pity for those who didn't find that narrow path. I don't think that's what God was trying to get across to us in these verses at all though.

These verses scream kingdom and bringing it to earth. I think it would be very easy to live life as a Christian, and be still bringing destruction to the earth instead of the Kingdom of God. I think that narrow path is the one that you turn down off of National Road 5 here in Phnom Penh or the barefoot dirt roads in India as you see beauty in brokenness and need from people hungry for the Kingdom of God to come.  I think few people are willing to turn down it because it's dusty and messy, and the unknown is around each corner you turn. But once the dust clears, and navigating the unknown becomes a faith filled adventure with the Holy Spirit there is so much beauty to behold its unfathomable. There is so much waiting for the faithful servant willing to turn onto the narrow dirt filled path, so much Kingdom to be had right here on earth. If we are a people filled with the Holy Spirit, and Christ is formed in us then we are the gate and there are people waiting for Kingdom to come through us.

Is there brokenness, pain, and suffering down those dirt roads? There sure is, but nothing worth pitying. God brings life and kingdom to the suffering, not pity. And neither do I any longer. I'm here to climb mountains with people, and watch them come to life when they never even thought they could leave the valley in the first place. 

When Empathy is Not Enough

"My eyes fail because of tears,
My Spirit is greatly troubled;
My heart is poured out on the earth
Because of the destruction of the daughter of my people."
Lam 2:11

Lamentations is a book of suffering. The wails of a people in suffering from their sin, begging for God to relent His anger, and hear their cries for help. When I was reading this, what I found most interesting was the author- Jeremiah. Jeremiah was an upright man who listened to God, but as a prophet He was sharing in Israel's pain and suffering.  He was lamenting and crying out to God because He literally could feel the pain that was present with those whom God called him to prophesy to. Being a prophet (or a prophetess) is a very relational thing. Its not just speaking what God has revealed, but often times is feeling those things with others as well and walking through the pain and challenges with them.

This gift is one that goes far past being sympathetic and even empathetic. Empathy, although it is a way of identifying with someone, often times can be accomplished on your own. I could research the culture, history and issue of human trafficking here in Cambodia and have some understanding of what goes on here and the pain that people go through. And I have done that, and it has given me some perspective and empathy towards the people that I have begun to build relationships with here. It's not enough though, and it doesn't reach deep enough to walk through healing with them.

Although there is no word in the dictionary for this, the partnership with God in feeling others suffering is one that Jeremiah knew well. It is something that I am beginning to know well, too. It goes way past empathy when you identify with the trafficked and abused and God allows you to feel the deep places of hurt with them- and lets you in on the partnership to combat it. Lately, I often feel like the pain has been in my life too because of the weight of feeling others suffering.  I can sometimes feel the anxiety, the heart gripping fear, the feelings of hopelessness, and like your stuck in a deep dark pit. A pit that leaves you feeling shamed, dirty, used, and no longer in control of you own body even at a very young age. Honestly, it's overwhelming but it is necessary for me to feel these things with God so that I can intercede and help combat those feelings and situations with the trafficked and abused here. Like Jeremiah, my heart cries to God have been the same heart cries of those who I'm ministering to. I don't think I would know the depth of prayers that needed to come off of my lips to God, if I wasn't feeling what they are feeling though. So in the moments where I'm overwhelmed I really am grateful God is letting me carry this with them.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting in my office trying to work and all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming  feeling of anxiety and restlessness. I felt this huge burden on my chest, like something gripping on to me that wouldn't let go. I went to the roof of the school, and I started to pray and worship God. I recognized this feeling as not something from me and I turned my prayers into intercession. Someone was in a reality of what I was feeling. Later on I found out that it was one of my kindergartners stuck in a place of abuse. I was working through her abuse case file, and couldn't help but feel what this little one was feeling. I could only put my face in my hands and cry with God. It was the first time feeling like God's partner in fighting this issue of child trafficking here. I felt God's burden with this child, sat with her in the turmoil, and grieved it with Father God.

Its a beautifully hard place to be. Everyday here in Cambodia, consists of some difficult situation and I'm learning more and more how to be God's partner in that. It is nothing that I can do on my own, my own strength would have failed me months ago. I'm learning though, how to be content in God when life is consistently hard. It's not an up and down lifestyle like I lived in America, but its a valley lifestyle with dry bones everywhere. However, I am choosing daily to call the dry bones to life instead of wallow in how things look hopeless around me.  

It has been really beautiful getting to see a part of God's heart that I have never encountered before simply through suffering with others. There has been many moments where I have just wanted to scream to God to intervene in abusive situations and do something, but then I realize that He is doing something- and its through me. God could step in in a second and save the little girl being sold by her family to a foreigner for sex, but he chooses to be a relational God, and use me(who without Him wouldn't even have the capability to do anything) to actually do something about it. It all boils down to love. He loves the little girl who has been trafficked and is sitting in one of my classrooms, and He loves me enough to let me partner with Him to help her heal from it.

God is moving in this place. Girls are getting rescued and redemption is thick in the air here. I am just so grateful that God has chosen me to be a mouthpiece of freedom here, even in the tough day to day moments. I am currently in need of new partners($300/month more)  so that I can continue partnering with God here. If you would like to be a part of that you can hit the partner with me tab above. Thank you for listening, and for being a part of this beautiful journey with me. 

The Honeymoon is Over

With anything new, adventurous, and exciting in life there is always a honeymoon phase. Things are fresh, they breathe newness of life, they are exciting and keep you on your toes, and give you something to wake up to everyday. But with the hands of a clock ticking, it wares off. Patience wares thin, and frustration can set in if you let it.
Things don't happen as fast as you thought they would...
People don't change like you thought they would....
You see more hardship than breakthrough...
And those new experiences that brought you excitement are just plain annoying now.

To be honest this describes my heart well lately.
I spend many moments frustrated that things take ten times longer in Cambodia. Riding my motto to work everyday sounded so adventurous to me at first, but with enough times getting stuck in traffic while its pouring down rain, almost get run off the road by brick trucks, and eating dust every time I drove the excitement was replaced with down right annoyance. I walk out of work far too many days heavy from not being able to do anything about a student being abused, and I've seen more cases where freedom hasn't come than when it has. And thats reality of ministry here.

Today I drove around Svay Pak and got to really see where a lot of our teachers, students, and their families eat, sleep, and work.
Take a five minute drive off the beaten path, down a bumpy dirty road in Svay Pak and you will start to see brick factory after brick factory line the road. Next to each factory is small shacks (if you could even call them that) made from cheap rusting metal, and wood pallets. the entrance is so small you would have to crawl on your hands and knees into a room the size of dining room table. Whole families live in these shacks, after grueling hours of often times indentured servanthood (modern day slavery) in brick factories. These are the homes our students are coming from.

Thats reality here.
Its the kind of reality that shakes you, and leaves your heart clenched.
That's how I felt this afternoon anyways.
And it reminded me why I'm here, why this school is here, and what God is doing.
For the days I feel like theres more injustice surrounding me than God's victory- I can just look at those shacks and see the hope we are bringing here.
I can see the miracle that God is bringing children out of the brick factories and into our school to learn and break the cycle of poverty in their families. The miracle that the student being abused is safe within the walls of our school and can feel the presence of God.

Agape has made huge strides in Svay Pak and fighting child trafficking here. Svay Pak even now is still not a place that you proudly say you are from, or even mention at all. Its a place where brothels once lined the streets and it wasn't safe to even walk by yourself in broad daylight. We've taken out the brothels, replaced them with school, church, work, transitional homes, and life. But even still there is brokenness, poverty, abuse, and drugs on these streets. Hope has already come, God has been living here for quite some times now- but healing and redemption takes time.

I am here to stay and walk through the pain, brokenness, and poverty with these people until God has revived it all and tells me to move on. I'm not leaving this place just because the honey moon feelings have worn off. My passions still burn deep in me to fight this injustice and to walk through life with the broken and hurting.
God is moving here. He is dismantling the strongholds that satan has been building for far too long. Light is here, and its here to stay. The darkness cannot overcome the light in Svay Pak.