45 hours with the Holy Spirit.

45 hours,  4 flights. 2- 8 hour layovers, and 2 royal treatment hotels later I am finally in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. To some what I just wrote would sound like a nightmare, but to me it was Pure Holy Rest from God himself. 

I left my family 2 days ago a complete mess. My heart was wrecked leaving my family, my new precious nephew, and good friends. I've traveled a lot, but leaving home has never hurt my heart so much. I spent the last month with my sister and nephew everyday since he was born, and I felt like I had to be pried from her arms and my nephew. ( even now I'm tearing up thinking about it) God did so much in my heart and in my family the past 2 months that I didn't want to leave home. Here I am knowing God has spoken so clearly that I'm going to Cambodia but I was left questioning why God choose to bring me so close to my family just to send me away. I feel like sometimes I question God more than most Christians do, because the faith He is requiring of me is so great. 

I cried most of my way through the buffalo airport and 15 hour flight to Doha, Qatar. I got many sympathetic stares and looks like they thought I was nuts. I saw a little boy tug on his moms dress and stare at me saying "mommy, why is she so sad?" I love the way children are so in tune with the heart of God, and how He cares about others.

 Despite the constant looks, I didn't really care what others were thinking because my heart was hurting. I could have chosen through all of that to listen to my feelings and not even get on the flight in the Buffalo airport, but I didn't. I knew what Gods voice had spoken to me and I wasn't going to listen to my feelings even though they were justified feelings. God has been requiring that of me a lot- to choose to rise above my feelings and thoughts and in faith completely surrender to His voice and what I know He has spoken to me. Honestly it's hard. It leaves me in tears of frustration most days, but at the end of the day I love God way to much to not listen.

Once I heard my plane had a 8 hour layover in Qatar my heart instantly was frustrated, but God had plans to give me rest and love instead. The airline put me up in one of the most beautiful palace hotels I've ever seen and could never afford. He was spoiling me and giving me royal treatment and rest, while reminding me how rich I am in the kingdom. On the way back to the airport to catch my next flight, God put a bunch of Palm trees in my path, with all of the leaves and top cut off. That may seem weird but it was a way that God spoke to me when I was last in Cambodia that what He was going to do with me in Cambodia was significant and difficult but from that was going to bring kingdom to earth. ( if you want to hear that story I'd love to share it with you another time- just ask ) And in that, God planted some peace in my heart in Qatar.

Fast forward to my next stop Bangkok, Thailand. I get there and the first thing I see is a sign with my name on it held by an airline worker waiting to take me to yet another fancy hotel- this one even more royal than the last. I got to the hotel, took a long jacuzzi bath and worshipped God at two in the morning. I prayed and prayed and placed my family into Gods hands, asked for a release of responsibility back at home and a deeper love of God in it. More peace. More joy. More of the Holy Spirit stirring inside me. Once I got back to the airport there was decoration along the path of birds made out of many smaller birds hanging from the ceiling. God was speaking again- His provision is there, He's taking care of me, and I am free in that.

I got on my last flight to Cambodia with so much joy and peace I didn't know what to do with all of it. My heart still hurts for what I left in New York, I still have moments with tears but I'm doing it all with the peace and joy of The Lord inside me. I'm more in love with God the when I left NY two days ago, because I've never had to depend on God like this before. He is so good, so intimate, and so near when we are hurting.

So today I rest, and learn how to drive my moto again :) 
Tomorrow I head into Svay Pak to reunite with my Cambodian teachers and students. 
Life is good and God is near. 

Qualified.

I often times sit and just watch people interact. That might be a little weird (ha) but I love people. I realized recently how much it hurts my heart to watch people hurt each other through something as simple as miscommunication sometimes. I want to just step in and coach people through seeing a different perspective and seeing the best in others instead of the worst.

No, I can't make people care about each other or have compassion but I can love people to life & wear that proudly so others can see a glimpse into God's heart for His people. When you love someone to life- they come alive and its something that you can't help but want to give away.

When I look at what the next season of my life looks like in Cambodia- it can be easy to get overwhelmed very quickly and start listing off the ways I'm not ready, prepared, or qualified for what I'm getting myself into. But then theres the one thing- the most important thing to have and I'm reminded of how qualified I really am.

I know I'm qualified for this because I love people, a love that comes from the Father's heart.
I love loving people to life.
It breaks down walls.
WALLS OF PRIDE. OF INSECURITY. OF FEAR. OF HURT.

I may not be a scholar, a professional counselor, or renowned teacher but I have great Love in me to give away, & I intend to do just that . 

The Lord loves to speak to me through movies and as I was watching one of my favorite movies, Uptown Girls the other day He spoke clearly again. The movie stars Brittany Murphy, a young rich girl who loses her fortune and is forced into a nanny job to survive. She has never worked a day in her life, has no working experience, and yet is confident walking into her new job. In reality she is a hot mess, under qualified, and had no clue what she was getting herself into, but still her confidence was there. She proudly said she was fully qualified because she loved people. She loved relationship, and that is what healed an entire family and a hurting little girl who was forced to grow up to soon.

Man does that hit home to my heart right now. From the outside I have nothing to offer these teachers or students, but oh my heart do I love them already and I want to be a listening ear, encouraging word, and life-giving Spirit to them.

I want to see the same hands that healed my heart, heal theirs. 
I want to see Love invade and break down barriers that were built in an attempt to protect what was left after being abused. 
I want to see the power of God destroy the camps the enemy has been building for far too long. 

I'm taking back all that the enemy has stolen in Cambodia, and I'm coming in like a wrecking ball.
All by the power of His love for His people.

Get ready Cambodia, I'm coming for ya in 22 days :)

May We Never Lose Our Wonder

When you live to maintain you lose even what you are trying to maintain. 

Last fall, these words were coming out of the mouth of my teacher in Spain as I sat uncomfortably in the front row of class. Sometimes when I'm learning about God whether in a classroom, a conversation with a friend, in my time reading the bible, or even just walking through day to day normal life God slows my mind and whispers, pay attention to what you just heard. This was definitely one of the moments and it wasn't because I thought I was living to maintain in that moment, it just struck a cord with my heart that made me want to store it up for later.

To be frank with you, later would be right about now.

When you begin to lose your wonder you start living simply to maintain what you have.

Wonder really is a beautiful thing. Its that awe of God in the simple things. That take your breath away feeling when you are counting the stars, experiencing something for the first time, watching someone you love smile, or simply being and breathing.

Joy exists because of wonder.

I think thats why I love being around kids so much. Joy comes naturally to them, because every single thing they see, hear, touch, smell, and taste is always as if its made just for them to experience for the first time- which is exactly what God designed it to be for all of us. Wonder in everything- even the smallest of things.

As I was processing the past 40 days in India, God let me see a glimpse into what I missed that He was trying to show me. I spent 40 days in what felt like the storm of India, God continually allowed things to be taken from me, the enemy at my ear every minute shouting lies, and for me to be in a complete state of being uncomfortable and not in control one bit and all I wanted to do was run and get the heck out of dodge. You see, I was starting to live only to maintain what I though I had left in the storm- the things not yet touched by the wreckedge but I found myself quickly losing even those things.  God spoke that He had me in a 40 day testing period, and I threw my hands up in surrender telling God, I didn't get why He was testing me but that I would stay because He said so.

It wasn't until yesterday, almost 2 weeks after being back in America that I realized God was doing that so I could find my wonder with Him again. There were moments that I found that wonder in India but God wanted to bring me to a place of living in it consistently. God taught me a lot about not losing our wonder while trapped one morning in a storm on the roof of our hostel.

Brant and I sat in the little room with broken shutters and water pouring into the room as we talked about the wonder of God in the form of counting seconds between the thunder and lightning. The india heat lifted as the rain poured and so did my frustrations.

                                                                         
Brant started counting out loud.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three. Uh, from my calculations the storm is approximately uh, 10 miles away.
We both laughed and admitted to sitting on our porches as kids and counting the Mississippi's between the thunder and lightning during storms and acting like we were storm chasers. There is so much wonder in storms, and I saw that so clearly that day with the help of a friend.

God was trying to take those moments of wonder and make them into a moment to moment lifestyle for me. Lets face it, if I can't grasp his daily wonder in the storm- I won't be able to help my precious teachers and students find it in Cambodia when they are trying to weather their own storm.

 God is so gracious, so patient and so loving to me. He knew I would begin to get what He was doing in India now. So today I choose to find wonder in the small things. Wonder in a cool breeze, in my precious nephew that kicks at me in my sisters womb, genuine tears that flow in repentance, and in deeper intimacy with my savior. 

Rising to the Occasion

There are two primary choices in life: Accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them. 


Even though I haven't always understood why, God has made me to be a woman that always rises to the occasion. He puts me in a set of circumstances that is difficult, heart-breaking, and impossible looking and then gently asks, 'Will you rise to the occasion, my precious daughter?' I've never said no yet, and I honestly can't see myself ever saying no to my beautiful Father God. That doesn't, however, mean that it is easy by any means of the definition.

The past two weeks in Kolkata have been rough. I've seen poverty that is more in your face than I've ever experienced in my life, I've seen dying people hungry for hope, children roaming the streets at one in the morning without a mother to protect them, and clearly have heard God asking me to rise to the occasion. This has meant putting myself in some really tough places abandoning comfort and reason- to love the poorest of the poor, and the sickest of the sick.

I've found myself abandoning more of myself- renouncing my so called 'needs' in attempts to feel God's heart for these people.

Mother Teresa herself says, "Renouncing means to offer my free will, my reason, my life,  in an attitude of faith. My soul can be in darkness; trials are the surest tests of my blind renunciation.  Renunciation also means love. The more we renounce, the more we love God and man."

Being around the sisters in Mother Teresa's home and the different homes they have for the dying, disabled, orphaned, and abandoned has taught me so much about renouncing myself. These women daily renounce their needs to meet the needs of others- and they have made a covenant with God to do this for their entire lives, something I'm not really sure I can comprehend right now.

I still am learning how to come to the end of myself, and God has begun to let me feel the weight of my calling and my commitment to educate and restore the trafficked in Asia. It is going to take huge sacrifice, no doubt.

I was in the hospital with a good friend a couple nights ago, waking up every half-hour with her and when a nurse would walk in the room- leaving me with little sleep and plenty of time to think. What I journaled explains a little bit of how God is changing my heart for renunciation and sacrifice.

I woke up in a new place again for what feels like the hundredth time in the past two months. This time in a hospital room with my friend. I used to wake up frantic in a new place and it would sometimes take hours to convince myself I was safe and okay. But last night I just turned to the other side and fell right back asleep when the nurses left the room. 
So much traveling makes 'safe and okay' take on a completely new definition. I was laying awake thinking about how safe I really am in you Father, God. No matter where I'm at in this world you are my constant, my safe haven, and my house of peace. Holy Spirit can take me to those places when it feels like the ground beneath me starts to shake or even crumble beneath me. 

I also felt the realness of sacrifice a little bit. Living for Kingdom to come to the nations means I will probably be in a hospital room in a foreign country again in my life, and it means I will wake up in countless new places with new faces. It means not always being able to choose comfort or what I want, or even who I want to go to for comfort and encouragement. 

BUT...

It DOES mean great intimacy with you, Father. 
It means a constant increase in trust and faith in you to provide for my needs. 
It means finding my strength buried in you every day. 
It means the craziest adventure I could ever dream up for myself not even coming close  to what you have for me.
It means always having to rely on your stability and safety in my life. 
It means not always knowing, but having all the wisdom and revelation that is treasured in you, God. 
It means sometimes being poor and living like the poor, but knowing I'm the richest daughter in the world because of you, God. 
It means seeing brokenness, hurt, pain, neglect, and death every day but getting to choose joy in You anyways God and pour out that hope anyways.

For the moments that seem overwhelming living amidst this chaos, and when that word sacrifice feels so heavy I don't think I can bear what it means- I choose to be grateful that God has allowed me to serve the poor. I choose this adventure with you God, over comfort, knowing, and 'stability.' I choose your intimacy, your overwhelming peace, and to continue to seek deeper parts of your heart for your people and for me. 

Love is Never Wasted

Love is never wasted.

These words ring life and hope into me. They breathe purpose into my lungs. They string together all the moments in the past couple months where I've questioned if I loved the people I encountered enough.

I've never, in my time traveling the world moved around as much as I have in Cambodia and India on this journey and even not I'm still not finished. I've met possibly hundreds of faces and names (most of which I Couldn't pronounce) each with there own story, struggles, and needs. I've seen first hand the evils of child trafficking, the poorest of the poor, the neglected, abused, abandoned, and forgotten-some who have come to the end of their hope even as an infant. I wish I had some great profound answer for all that I've seen and the hands that I've held. Honestly, I'm mostly left with more questions than anything, the biggest one being 'Did I love them enough?'

Did I take nugget on enough bike rides through the Cambodian back roads in the village?

Did I spend enough time with my teachers when they are so hungry for more of my time?

Did I snuggle little Dahlia enough when all shes known is people to keep leaving her life?

Did I take *Veronica on enough holding hands and ice cream dates to show her that the abuse she faced won't overcome her?

Did I hold Monea's hand enough when she felt trapped in her own limited body and didn't have an escape?

Did I give the 5 year old begging for money enough of my smile and hand to hold to relieve the demands being placed on her?

And then God's peace overwhelms me. Like a rush of cool breeze on a hot sweaty, elbow to elbow Indian public bus. And God whispers in my ear that love is never wasted.

Every bike ride, every teaching moment, every sweet snuggle time, every ice cream date, every eye contact that I've given even if for a moment held the power of great love, because of the great love that's captured my heart and life.

One moment of great love can change everything. It changed my whole life, and through me it's changing the lives around me too.

Love really never can be wasted, so don't underestimate the power behind even the smallest acts of love. 

Coming Alive Again [Picture Blog]

It has been a crazy couple weeks transitioning from Cambodia to India. I have been at a loss of words to blog all that God has been teaching me and all the places He has taken me, but when I seem to come to this point where I can't form words, God always allows photography to come back into my life.

 I've found that I really love taking pictures and capturing the natural moments of joy in others- whether thats an orphan or street child or just your average Joe in other countries. I love having my eye behind the lens waiting for the perfect moment to capture a piece of God in someone else.

I've also found that I can't capture moments that aren't in my promised lands. I tried taking pictures in several countries in Europe and America and it was like I had never held a camera in my life, but the second I set foot in Cambodia and back on Indian soil the past month and a half my pictures have come alive again. And I have come alive again myself, too. 

It somehow wasn't a surprise when I was asked to photograph the village in Cambodia I stayed in and the children I was going to be living with in India. God knows our hearts so intimately and loves to speak through us through different means than just our mouths. He takes our gifts and lets them come to life when we come alive. 

So, here are my words to my life the past month and a half. 

Keep Hope In Your Eyes

Kampong Speu, Cambodia

Create Something New Everyday

Kampong Speu, Cambodia

These Hands You've Made To Hold, My Beloved. 

Hyderabad, India

Beauty In The Fight For Life

Hyderabad, India

In Your Presence I'm Made Whole 

Hyderabad, India

No Shore In Sight

I've started probably 3 different blogs in the past couple days at an attempt to share what my life looks like right now here in Cambodia. All have been wordy and described a glimpse of the trafficking, poverty, brokenness, and needs of the beautiful people here in Cambodia but I have stopped writing each half way, knowing they don't suffice to what Holy Spirit really wants me to say. So I'm going to get really honest and really vulnerable quick- bear with me.

The past three days for me have been really difficult and really revealing to where my heart is and where God is taking me. I've learned pretty quickly that with a calling this heavy comes a lot of responsibility- responsibility that I can choose to pick up or brush off. I can set out from the shore with my staff into deep waters or I can stay near the familiarity of land a few rows away.

To be perfectly frank, if I want to see freedom come to my teachers and students from the strongholds and bondage of darkness, then I can't have any of that on me. The past three days have been sitting in a small room in a hostel in Phnom Penh letting God painfully surface things I need to let go of. From fear of letting go of control, to hurts that still remained from past relationships, to fear of the unknown--I felt overwhelmed. These are things I know that most people carry for their entire lives, most of the time unaware they are even lingering- much like myself. Most of the things The Spirit brought up were things I didn't know were even hovering over me still and as I asked why He chose to bring them up all at once now, I realized the answer to that was already clear.

 If there is room for anything to surface in a storm it will surface, and I know I'm headed into a storm with my boat to the middle of the deep sea with no shore in sight.

The boat is pointed towards a storm but the beautiful thing is God has called me to be the eye of the storm. A place where He himself can rest because He trusts me. He trusts me to care for these women and these children and to take steps with them back towards the eye of the storm where there is peace and clarity to see hope and new life.

If there is one thing I am beginning to see more as truth daily it's that the natural and the spiritual very much go hand in hand. We are a door for Kingdom to be accessed here on earth and that means that even when we are just sitting down for coffee with a friend we are a door for them to access the kingdom of God. I was sitting downstairs the other day in the hostel and a woman here looked at me after I smiled at her and said 'When you smile I can't help but smile too.' Naturally it was just a smile, but spiritually she was seeing a hope in me that she couldn't help but feel when I was around. That hope of Christ in me is what so many Cambodians need restored in them. Hope to smile, to dream, to laugh, and to be free again.

1 Corinthians 2 says that "we have the mind of Christ" and if I have the mind of Christ I can access His thoughts, ideas, plans, desires, and compassions by the Sprit of God that resides in me. Naturally I don't have everything I need to lead these teachers to freedom but spiritually I have access to all of my Heavenly Father that does. It is so beautiful to see that my natural gifts partner so well with what the Spirit wants to do through me.

I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm releasing, and finding that my natural partnership with Holy Spirit is exactly what is needed to stand in the storm.